When You’re A Happy Person Who Secretly Struggles
8:14 PM11th Aug 2018
Why Strong People Feel Broken Inside
You smile a lot. People meet you for the first time and also many friends often mention the same thing. Your energy is infectious, you crack the lamest jokes and full of joy having you around. You’re silly and a little loud; every photo you’re seen laughing or grinning.Because when you’re the happy person, when you’re the smiley social butterfly, no one expects you to be hurting inside.
No one assumes there are things that go beyond the exterior. No one thinks there’s pain past the friendly outside.
When people see you as a happy person, it’s difficult to want to open up. You don’t fit into their narrow expectation, you don't want them to worry, you don't want them to see you cry, to see that vulnerable side on you. It feels like you have to struggle in silence. Would you be disappointing them if they knew the truth? Would they look at you differently?
So, you don’t say anything. You go out. You text friends back happily. You show up to brunch and laugh with all your friends.You continue being the happy, smiley, giggly person everyone knows.
To the outside world, you look so happy, so cheerful. You're always looking so happy on the surface. But when you're back home behind closed doors, you hit back to reality with the four cold walls surrounding you, that empty house, that quiet night sky after lights out, you lie down thinking a lot about life and perhaps secretly teared when nobody is looking.
You never let anyone catch you when you're vulnerable.
When you have the urge to cry, you pushes the tears away until you have a chance to escape to the bathroom to let the water flow. When you're upset, you’ll make up an excuse to cancel your plans, so no one realizes that you're acting off. And when you have a mental breakdown, you don't text your friends about it or post a Facebook status. You just suffer in silence.
You didn't really see the point in sharing your problems, your sadness, your worries or your misery. Your friends consider you the funny one. The bubbly one. The problem solver. The Ms Agony (on teenage magazine). They come to you with their issues. They expect you to know what to do. They expect you to always have your shit together.
So you nod and offer consolation when they complain
about their near-perfect lives, even though you want to scream that
they don’t know what real problems are. That you’s dealing with something a million times worse.
But you didn’t let yourselves explode. You listen. You understand. You try to be a good friend.
Depression looks different on everyone.
Depression looks different on everyone.
Be it a minor depression or a severe one, it’s not a one-size-fits-all. And just because you can’t see it on someone, just because you can’t tell they’re struggling, doesn’t mean they aren’t affected. I mentioned to some friends before that I think at certain point in everyone's life, everyone are bound to encounter depression, just depending on how severe it is and how you managed it, you might even not notice it because it is not that serious.
Emotions sits in the background, like an uninvited guest.
No one else can see it. But still, you know it’s there, even if you’re all smiles. Only close friends, will get to see that shattered side of you, you shared your bits and piece of life stories with them because you trusted them, they don't judge you and they could lend a good listening ear. Even if they don't exactly understands everything, even if they can't be of much help, and that's pretty much okay.
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